LoudMouthBitch

Revolution - Loudmouthbitch Style!

2008-03-14T18:19:00.000-07:00

I made this movie, bitches!

George W. Bush: Idiot In-Chief

2008-02-15T13:56:00.000-08:00

U-S- Fucking A!
A part of what I will say, was said here on Jan. 31. Unfortunately it is both sadder and truer now than it was then.
“Who’s to blame?” Mr. Bush also said this afternoon, “Look, these folks in Congress passed a good bill late last summer.... The problem is, they let the bill expire. My attitude is: If the bill was good enough then, why not pass the bill again?”Like the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution. Or Executive Order 90-66. Or The Alien and Sedition Acts. Or slavery. Mr. Bush, you say that our ability to track terrorist threats will be weakened and our citizens will be in greater danger. Yet you have weakened that ability!
You have subjected us, your citizens, to that greater danger! This, Mr. Bush, is simple enough for even you to understand.
For the moment, at least, thanks to some true patriots in the House, and your own stubbornness, you have tabled telecom immunity, and the FISA act.
You. By your own terms and your definitions, you have just sided with the terrorists. You’ve got to have this law, or we’re all going to die. But, practically speaking, you vetoed this law.
It is bad enough, sir, that you were demanding an ex post facto law that could still clear the AT&Ts and the Verizons from responsibility for their systematic, aggressive and blatant collaboration with your illegal and unjustified spying on Americans under this flimsy guise of looking for any terrorists who are stupid enough to make a collect call or send a mass e-mail.
But when you demanded it again during the State of the Union address, you wouldn’t even confirm that they actually did anything for which they deserved to be cleared.
“The Congress must pass liability protection for companies believed to have assisted in the efforts to defend America.”
Believed? Don’t you know? Don’t you even have the guts Dick Cheney showed in admitting they did collaborate with you? Does this endless presidency of loopholes and fine print extend even here? If you believe in the seamless mutuality of government and big business, come out and say it! There is a dictionary definition, one word that describes that toxic blend.
You’re a fascist — get them to print you a T-shirt with fascist on it! What else is this but fascism? Did you see Mark Klein on this newscast last November?
Mark Klein was the AT&T whistleblower who explained in the placid, dull terms of your local neighborhood IT desk how he personally attached all AT&T circuits, everything, carrying every one of your phone calls, every one of your e-mails, every bit of your Web browsing into a secure room, room No. 641-A at the Folsom Street facility in San Francisco, where it was all copied so the government could look at it.
Not some of it, not just the international part of it, certainly not just the stuff some spy, a spy both patriotic and telepathic, might be able to divine had been sent or spoken by or to a terrorist. Everything! Every time you looked at a naked picture. Every time you bid on eBay. Every time you phoned in a donation to a Democrat. “My thought was,” Mr. Klein told us last November, “George Orwell’s ‘1984.’ And here I am, forced to connect the Big Brother machine.”
And if there’s one thing we know about Big Brother, Mr. Bush, it is that he is — you are — a liar.
“This Saturday at midnight,” you said Thursday, “legislation authorizing intelligence professionals to quickly and effectively monitor terrorist communications will expire. If Congress does not act by that time, our ability to find out who the terrorists are talking to, what they are saying and what they are planning will be compromised.” You said that “the lives of countless Americans depend” on your getting your way.
This is crap. And you sling it with an audacity and a speed unrivaled by even the greatest political felons of our history.
Richard Clarke — you might remember him, sir: He was one of the counterterror pros you inherited from President Clinton, before you ran the professionals out of government in favor of your unreality-based reality — Richard Clarke wrote in the Philadelphia Inquirer:
“Let me be clear: Our ability to track and monitor terrorists overseas would not cease should the Protect America Act expire.
“If this were true, the president would not threaten to terminate any temporary extension with his veto pen. All surveillance currently occurring would continue even after legislative provisions lapsed because authorizations issued under the act are in effect up to a full year.”
You are a liar, Mr. Bush. And after showing some skill at it, you have ceased to even be a very good liar.
And your minions like John Boehner, your Republican congressional crash dummies who just happen to decide to walk out of Congress when a podium-full of microphones await them, they should just keep walking, out of Congress and, if possible, out of the country.
For they and you, sir, have no place in a government of the people, by the people, for the people.
The lot of you are the symbolic descendants of the despotic middle managers of some banana republic to whom “freedom” is an ironic brand name, a word you reach for when you want to get away with its opposite.
Thus, Mr. Bush, your panoramic invasion of privacy is dressed up as “protecting America.”
Thus, Mr. Bush, your indiscriminate domestic spying becomes the focused monitoring only of “terrorist communications.”
Thus, Mr. Bush, what you and the telecom giants have done isn’t unlawful; it’s just the kind of perfectly legal, passionately patriotic thing for which you happen to need immunity!
Richard Clarke is on the money, as usual.
That the president was willing to veto this eavesdropping means there is no threat to the legitimate counterterror efforts under way.
As Sen. Edward Kennedy reminded us in December:
“The president has said that American lives will be sacrificed if Congress does not change FISA.
"But he has also said that he will veto any FISA bill that does not grant retroactive immunity.
“No immunity, no FISA bill. So if we take the president at his word, he’s willing to let Americans die to protect the phone companies.”
And that literally cannot be. Even Mr. Bush could not overtly take a step that actually aids the terrorists. I am not talking about ethics here. I am talking about blame. If the president seems to be throwing the baby out with the bath water, it means we can safely conclude there is no baby.
Because if there were, sir, now that you have vetoed an extension of this eavesdropping, if some terrorist attack were to follow, you would not merely be guilty of siding with the terrorists. You would not merely be guilty of prioritizing the telecoms over the people. You would not merely be guilty of stupidity. You would not merely be guilty of treason, sir.
You would be personally, and eternally, responsible.
And if there is one thing we know about you, Mr. Bush, one thing that you have proved time and time again — it is that you are never responsible.
As recently ago as 2006, we spoke words like these with trepidation.
The idea that even the most cynical and untrustworthy of politicians in our history, George W. Bush, would use the literal form of terrorism against his own people was dangerous territory. It seemed to tempt fate, to heighten fear.
We will not fear any longer. We will not fear the international terrorists, and we will thwart them. We will not fear the recognition of the manipulation of our yearning for safety, and we will call it what it is: terrorism. We will not fear identifying the vulgar hypocrites in our government, and we will name them. And we will not fear George W. Bush. Nor will we fear because George W. Bush wants us to fear.

Don't Be A Fuckwit

2008-02-15T00:28:00.000-08:00

Do you really want a relic with a Boner-On-Loaner From Viagra in the White House? I didn't think so...

Just One More Reason I Love Her...

2007-12-26T23:53:00.000-08:00

This is an actual text conversation between me and my daughter, LMB Jr:

LMB: We have to go to Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, get the oil changed in the car, grab a few groceries, get your contact lenses, call about detailing the car, get veneers, meet with Hillary Clinton regarding Foreign Policy and Impeach Bush... we are busy women.

LMB Jr: Oh, Ok - good. I thought we might be busy.

LMB: So, you might have to move your meeting at the Whitehouse back to 3:30.

LMB Jr: Ok, I will call Dick Cheney in the morning. Did you forget about Hunger and peace between all nations?

LMB: (referring to my daily calendar) It says right here, end world hunger 1/8/08. Mid East peace 1/19/08. If I prioritize, I might be able to reverse the effects of global warming by April.

LMB Jr: That puts you close to the time we're supposed to go to New York. Don't overplan.

LMB: Well, it might take me a day, two tops, to control the hurricanes. I can deal with glacial melting remotely from my phone, so we're good.

LMB Jr: Cool deal! I’ll take care of national security and get us out of Iraq before we take off.

LMB: That means you finally found Bin Laden. Excellent Work!

LMB Jr: Yea, it seems ____ was performing sexual favors for him to continue being bad. She poses a real threat to world happiness. We need to meet with the senate this week and establish a plan of attack.

LMB: You know what that means, we're gonna have to waterboard her...

My Pumpkins Will Kick Your Santa Ass....

2007-11-11T15:50:00.001-08:00

I have a next-door neighbor who insists on decorating three months before an appropriate holiday... As I write this, I still have pumpkins on my walkway (We carved them on Halloween, so they are still good, not a puddle of pumpkin goo...). I staggered out to pick up the paper yesterday morning, and realized my maniacal Martha Stewart already had banners, snowmen and psychotic elves adorning her house. I resisted my first knee-jerk reaction, which was to cut off the jingle bells between Rudolph's legs, and tried to understand her need to go Hyper Holiday.

Did she have visions of sugarplums as a child. Did she fondly remember sitting on Jolly Ol' Saint Nick's lap, happily smelling the spicy aroma of his tobacco pipe on his lapels?

GET OVER IT! IT'S NOT EVEN THANKSGIVING!!

I swear, if she puts her tree and lights up before the 1st of December, I will personally strangle the Ho-Ho- HOE with a string of twinkling lights.

I have MANY Russian families in my subdivision, and I'm cool with that; but I have a redneck neighbor across the street who likes to lecture the little babushkas on what being a "Real American" is all about. In his eyes, the quintessential American has two things:

Warm, substandard beer with breakfast and a Mullet. He is a hopeless red-assed Repuglican. Our ideologies differ dramatically and we've had some spirited political discussions. Because of that, and I am always trying to "enlighten" people, I felt compelled to slap two bumper stickers on my car that he would appreciate:

"Cheney-Voldemort '08" and "When you are old and eating cat food, you can thank a Republican."

As Hillary as my witness - I am gonna change his mind.

Speaking of Hillary - how the hell did she get so derailed over one stupid issue?? The issue is not whether illegals should have the "privilege" to drive in America, it's an attempt to account for how many are in the US. Does it not behoove us to know who these people are? Give them a god damned ID card and shut the hell up. It doesn't hurt anyone and it's a small thing that could make a very big difference.

Hill, if you are reading this, pull up your big girl panties and move on. You have other democrats to beat, a whitehouse to run and the world to rule.

Get busy.

Just A Slob, Like One Of Us...

2007-10-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

The Mr. and I had a football party last night. We expected about 15 people and 50 showed up. After all, from time to time we've been known to be what is characteristically labeled as "Cool".

First, someone tried to spill wine on my laptop. (Why don't you just say, "remove my teeth," same effect.) Then, the night reached a crecendo that climaxed with some of the visiting children hugging the shit out of one of my cats. They were playing upstairs and suddenly a wicked stench that can only be described as gagious, hit me in the face harder than Britney Spears' extensions.

My cat had feces on his paws, his tail, his stomach...

Not a kodak moment.

How the hell did this happen? I interrogated the kids, but they didn't know... it happened sometime after he peed on one of the little girls' pant legs.

Now, my Diego is not mongoloid, or brain damaged. He knows what a catbox is. I can only surmise that these demon children tried to hold a secret animal sacrifice in my room and my baby was simply protecting himself. I demurely excused myself from my guests and gave my shiteous cat a bath.

Anyway, we yelled a little too loud, drank a little to much, and stayed up a little later than we should have, so I woke up, pretty much hating Monday like the bastard that it is.

I tried to put off going to work until the last minute, only to be vexed by a crew of construction workers, who must have spent the pre-dawn hours sitting in their work van, smoking a doobie the size of a baby's arm and making monumental stoner decision such as, "Let's get high and go out and direct traffic - what a novel idea!" I was hung over, running late and couldn't wait. I took the backroads and still wound up getting in 5 minutes after I was supposed to be there.

Quitting time, I ran to my car, ready to get the hell home, and found myself locked in my parking spot. If you picture me in the parking lot with cars in front, behind and to both sides, you'd be right. There is a special kind of hell for drivers who do that to you. And I hope there are 4 fiery, bottomless pits waiting for them. Finally, after 15 minutes, even the ridiculous starts to sound sane, but no matter how hard I tried, my car just would not heed my telekenetic plea and levitate. At that point, a woman showed up and moved out of just the right spot - allowing me to wiggle my way out.

Finally, freedom.

Is it Friday yet?

2007-09-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

DON'T EVER FORGET 9/11/2001

Weird Newz VOL I

2007-08-18T15:36:00.000-07:00

I don't have a problem with exotic names...

Apple, Suri, Story, Talulah, Abcde (pronounced "Absadee") You've heard them all. But when you run out of monstrous monikers and start using symbols, well, there's no delicate way to put this... You're just not being very fucking creative, are you?! A couple is lobbying to have their soon-to-be born son named "@". No, this is not the progeny of The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. According to the Lexiconically challenged parents, @ is closest to the Chinese character for "love him".
Gets you right there, doesn't it? Ever heard of Ken, Or Mike... Maybe even Harry? Jesus Christ on a pickle - why why would you do that to a kid? C'mon. You are sentencing this child to a lifetime of weird looks and taunts. Just picture him out on the playground at school, children gleefully yelling: "Come here, "Around" or "At" Whatever your name is!!! STOP THE INSANITY.

If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!

A family's vacation quickly turned into a Gilligan's Island-esqe 3-hour-tour. One minute they were in a water plane, preparing for a landing, the next, doing cartwheels in the water, visions of The Titanic sloshing in their heads. The cabin of the plane quickly filled with cold, dark water. Thankfully, everyone escaped...

except for the youngest son.

Divers tried to reach him, but were unsuccessful. The mother, a true SuperChick, snatched the goggles, and other equipment from the hapless helper and dove in herself.

She saved her son. I'm just guessing here, but I don't think there will be any nasty tell-all books written by this women's kids, ala "Mommy Dearest".

Bitch will be expecting MAJOR props come next Mother's Day.

" A human being's made of more than air - with all that bulk you're bound to see 'em there..."

What? Banks are now offering Room Service? A 73-year-old woman, examining the contents of her safety deposit box, was forgotten and trapped in her bank. Yep, lock the door, turn out the lights... oh, and don't forget their is a human being upstairs on the third floor! The woman, a diabetic, was found unconscious 6 hours later by a startled cleaning lady. The woman ended up being ok, but you can sure as hell bet the next deposit she makes will be a big fat lawsuit against the Bank of Airheadica. is it just me, or can you just see the "help wanted sign being pasted to the front window of the bank, cause you know someone's ass is gonna get canned for this.
Safety Deposit box - $29.00
Value of Contents of Box -$22.95
Making sure everyone is out of the fucking bank before you lock up - PRICELESS.
Bank of America, indeed.

Gonzalez and the "Department of Just Us"

2007-07-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

ATTORNEY GENERAL - YOU WANNA CHANGE YOUR BULLSHIT STORY, SON?

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor...

2007-07-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

Struggler's Blues...

2007-06-17T13:07:00.001-07:00

Ya know, I am not a terrorist -REPEAT - I am not a terrorist, but this past weekend, when I was traveling between Washington's (I live in Washington, Not DC, Vancouver, Not BC.) I could see what why they are targets for terrorism.

- Apparently, no one in the airline industry can tell time. Not one of them. Thus, your plane is late and your layovers last 3x's longer than you are told they would be.

- They lose your luggage.

- Airport Security treats it's passengers like black angus going to slaughter.

Ok, they did not lose my luggage, but only because I had one carry on and my lifetop, I mean my laptop, safely with me at all times.
The Mister does not fancy flying. He prefers to drive...no matter how far. So, it's been a while since we've flown anywhere. The "Security Commandant" let us through the mile-and-a-half long line and demanded we remove all shoes, jewelry, clear liquids, etc...
I was amused. The signs around the area reassuringly stated that if we wanted a "Private" room during a search, we only needed to request one. What, no dinner or foreplay?
There were other signs that warned against even joking about security, (Sir, our nation is going through a very difficult time). No sense of humor, they have.
I removed my shoes, and we disassembled our carry-on bag to remove our toothpaste, perfume, watches, wedding rings., etc. We threw our belongings into their plastic bins and off they went through the x-ray machines. That wasn't so bad...
NOT SO FAST.
A female officer walked toward me with my laptop bag, frowning disapprovingly.
"Ma'am - I am going to have to look at your laptop."
I followed her over to a "private" space, trying to put my shoes back on and walk at the same time. She began going through my case to retrieve the machine.
"And just what are you looking for?" I queried. "verification that it is, indeed a laptop, and not some incendiary device?"
"Yes Ma'am"
We'll put a turban on my head and call me Bin Laden. Satisfied that I and my laptop were no longer a threat to national security, I was ushered through. (Oh, yea - the little bottle of hand -sanitizer I keep in my purse almost triggered an international incident. Silly me.)
The first flight went well, but when we landed in Chicago, our 2 hour layover turned into 5. But, being the resourceful people that I and The Mister are, we scored some wine and pre-paid Wi-Fi. and we got tipsy - I mean, we endured the hardship like good Americans.
The flight from Chicago to Washington DC albeit late, was uneventful.
We hit Washington the next day and positioned ourselves with protest signs and attitudes in front of the Capitol Building. (It was a protest rally against Israeli occupation in Palestine.) I am not a Jew, or Palestinian - hell, I am not even a nice person, but this cause has come to mean something to me. I heard a story about a women who was in labor, trying to get past the Israeli guards to get to the hospital. They refused to let her through. She and her husband went home, hoping to come back a little later and get a different guard, or at least one that wasn't such a dick. When they returned, they were again turned away. They begged, as she was getting very close to delivering, but they continued hasseling her. She went into labor, close to the guard, and the baby died. There are stories about how, if the guards want to fuck with you, they can make you wait in lines for 4 hours or so - the stories just get better.
But, in a nutshell, that is why the Mister and I packed our asses all the way across the US to meet people from all over the world who oppose this oppresion.
The rally was cool - the speakers were energizing.
Then it came time to march.
We marched, yelling all kinds of protest chants that only sound good when you have thousands of other people to yell with. (Viva! Viva! Palestina! - yell that in traffic.)
Anyway - you can't have a protest without pissing somebody off, so a smallish Pro-Israeli contingent showed up, lining up on the sidewalk as we walked by -shouting thought-provoking comments such as, "Nazi's!" "Terrorists!" One young man, with his head shaved to the skin, followed us, screaming, jumping on anything that would place him above us, cars, streetlamps.
he was flat out crazy, though.
I didn't know George Bush had a son.
Tons of police were there at the rally in flak jackets, standing between us and the protesting protesters. It was intense, and I loved every minute of it.
We marched to the Washington Monument and then to the WhiteHouse. I was very proud that, as we walked and yelled, many bystadards got off the curbs and started walking with us.
It was amazing. A wonderful feeling. A true "American Experience."
There is something about Washington DC - albeit a dirty and kinda smelly place - that demands respect. You feel the history in the limestone and granite - one that is neither Democratic or Republican. You feel pride in the words of the Declaration of Independence.
You feel like there may be hope for this country yet.

Final DC

2007-06-12T14:55:00.000-07:00

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Here ya go... I am so glad I was a part of this.

Protesting the Protest

2007-06-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

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This was intense.... I think we pissed them off. Just a little.

DC 2

2007-06-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

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More pictures - Keep Viewing... it gets really interesting....

My Washington DC Rally

2007-06-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures I took at the rally this weekend - what a trip!!

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Capital Bitch.

2007-06-09T15:43:00.001-07:00

Never let it be said I don't put my money where my proverbial loudmouth is.

I am sitting here in Chicago, waiting on my connector flight to Washington Dee Cee.

I've been on planes all day - and I am ready to stir some shit up in front of the White House.

Too bad Bush is "Out of Town" not to mention out of his mind. I'd make him get hooked on phonics and show him the error of his ways, after I took his bottom lip and pulled it over his head.

So, the reason I am writing this is to let all my bloggie Friends who read this (All two of you!) know where I am at. Just in case I end up in some secret prison in Turkey as an enemy combatant. (Fuckin' Patriot Act).

I plan to bring back trinkets for everyone - starting with Barney, the Bush's dog.

Oops - I see FBI coming toward me. I have to sign off - quickly.

I'll keep you updated, Bitches :)

Dinner For Two...Idiots.

2007-05-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

It was a mild Saturday evening. With an hour to kill before our movie, and buckets of popcorn waiting to be eaten, the Mister and I decided to have dinner before the show.
Without any more thought than – “Hey, it's a new place!” –we stopped at an unrecognized restaurant near the theater.
We noticed that it was not packed – the dinner crowd looked light and well, there were real damn linens on the tables and a Wine Bar. We thought we might have accidentally stumbled upon Xanadu.
I know – that should have thrown up more flags than an amusement park in California, but we were optimistic.
There was a menu shadow-boarded outside the entrance that did not list any prices – 1st flag.
There were 150 workers inside, but only about 6 patrons – 2nd flag
The wine list included a zillion and nine different varietals, but no White Zinfandel (Bastards)and only ONE Cabernet Sauvignon – (Blaspheme!) 3rd flag.
The Mister ordered duck, not something you normally get at your neighborhood McDonalds. I opted for the Rolled Pork. Our waiter, who was as animated as a cadaver in an autopsy, was off to the kitchen with our order. I saw lots of people with chef hats and prayed, hopefully, that Chef Gordon Ramsey was back there, taking care of our pork and duck and that this would be a dining moment like we’d never experienced before.
Our wine arrived in beautifully ornate glasses… not even a third of the way filled.
The Mister looked at me, then looked at his Cabernet, wondering where the rest of the $13 beverage had gone. I got stuck sipping a Rose Pear Chablis – and I was lucky… My libation was only $8.
Still, we are expecting big things from our food. People started to wander in and the place started looking more lively, until I realized, they were putting us all in front of the window to make it look like the place was much busier than it actually was.
FLAG NUMBER 4.
A teenager suddenly bounded to our table with two cool looking dishes. Now, the plates were square but paradoxically cool. However, what was on these plates looked inedible. The size of a Wheat Thin cracker, layered with something not known to gastronomy and covered with what looked like antennae, parodied an hors d’ oeuvre. The mister ate his in one bite, as he has no palate and will consume anything. I was told said Wheat thin had fish on it, so I pushed mine toward him and whispered 'Bon Appetite'.
Yet another person brought us a few slices of bread and ONE little tiny pat of butter. That was ok, and turned out to be the highlight of the meal.
Yet ANOTHER employee arrived at our table and looked at us like we were missing something. He was bald and bespectacled, with a demeanor so intense, as to demand respect.
He assessed the situation and determined our needs in an instant –
Cheese! We didn’t have cheese! Get us cheese with our wine…STAT!
Observing our wine choices, he determined a sharp something for the Mister and a softer, more mellow cheese for me.
I was in awe as he brought forth a tiny sliver of cheese for The Mister and a slightly larger bite of cheese for me. Still, I admired the cheese and the few, tiny little slices of apple that came with it, thinking it a part of the meal. Oh, no – as I would find out afterwards, each tiny shred of cheese (3 in all) and the half dozen tiny little slices of apple cost us $8.
Finally, our entrées arrived and I had a moment of clarity: This was the fabled place where Ethiopians came to die! My meat was tied up like a wagon wheel and placed on a heaping mountain of pureed orange squash eerily in the same shape that Richard Dryfuss made out of his mashed potatoes in “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.”
Sexxy, huh?
The Mister’s duck was not duck in any sense that I have ever seen duck, but two pieces of beef jerky bites out of a minit mart package. Garnished with two thin slices of potato, and a leaf of lettuce. No amount of $13 wine was going to make this any better.
We paid our $91.00 ticket and left. (Yes, 91 American dollars, not pesos)
The Mister and I walked out of the restaurant gingerly, our asses still stinging from being screwed. We learned our lesson last night.
Less is not always more and ambience is way overpriced.

Who Is This God... And Why Do I Have To Listen To Her?

2007-05-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'd Rather Laugh With The Sinners Than Cry With The Saints.... Sinners Are Much More Fun - Billy Joel

Why are so many people so slavish to religion? Since Carrie Underwood implored Jesus to take the wheel, without a license, I might add, there’s been a 32-soul-pileup on the celestial Super Highway and traffic's been a bitch. Where does this blind faith come from?
Since god made humans, there’s been trouble. Right off the bat, you have an omnipotent being with major delusions of grandeur – not a good combination. Typically, the first few minutes after man and woman are created, they start stirring shit up. Defying the almighty and getting their heads thumped.
Do you really trust a God who decides to wipe out existence without a second thought?
Call me picky, but Armageddon seems a sore substitute for leadership.
Someone should buy god a red sweater and have him watch a few hours of Mr. Rodgers - But I digress…without the benefit of the Internet and TV commercials, Adam and Eve didn’t stand a chance. How were they supposed to know the rules? The Croccodile Hunter would have explained to them how to control the snake, instead of being taken in by its tempting forked tongue and getting kicked out of “paradise”.

Well, sharpen my horns and call me the devil – George Bush is twice as dumb as both Adam and Eve together and we cannot seem to expel him from office. Besides, have you ever tried getting a grown child to leave the nest? Not even a divine miracle would work. They have a way of stretching the umbilical cord as far as it will reach. Could you see Eve, looking defiantly up into the sky, fuming because she can’t have the latest fig leaf out of the Victoria’s Secret tablet? She'd storm off, shrieking something about ‘When I am 400, I am so out of this dump!’
What the hell is the problem with just being human? Why must you be biblically lobotomized, anointed in oils, semi-drowned through baptism, and told you are just BAD?
I like drinking wine, and I curse worse than a sailor. (Actually, that statement is false, my husband was in the navy and he says I cuss worse than they did.) I have tattoos and a sharp brain. (MythBuster #1 – people with tattoos are no different than you – they are just way cooler and can kick your ass.) I give to charity, work with children, pay my bills, and generally try to make my little corner of the world a better place. What I do may not bring about world peace, or reverse the effects of global warming, but I try. And I genuinely like who I am.
And for that, I am a sinner.
Tell me, all you Pat Robertson clones out there…
What do YOU do?

My Other World Is Just A Half A Mile Away...

2007-03-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

It's about fuckin' time.

Meet Maddy - Disney's first black princess. No, Not Belle (beautiful) Not Esmeralda or even Cinderella, but Maddy - as in madness. This is the story of the Frog Prince, only told from the woman's point of view. (If you aren't familiar with the story - go get your own Cliff Notes.)

What took so long, you ask? Well, it is an interesting question, being that Disney babes range from Indian (Jazmine in Aladin) to Native American (Pocahontas) Hell, they even had a Mermaid, for God's sake. (Ariel from The Little Mermaid) Wait! Then the Chinese got in on the action, (Mulan) The rest were just bitch WASPS (Belle, from Beauty and The Beast, Aurora from Sleeping Beauty... and who could forget that co-habitating whore, Snow White?

Why has it taken until a new millenium for a Black to be immortalized as a princess?

Some say it just NOW economically viable to show a stong black person.

Uh, that's as Dopey as one of the 7 Dwarves.

It could mean nothing more than the idiots who buy movie tickets would not pay to see a princess of color. Now what we have a "Clean" educated black presidential candidate, Disney is afraid to look "so 20th century". (You thought I was gonna bring up Condosleeza Rice, didn't you?)

Not even close.

What about Cleopatra? Normally portrayed as white, she was a black woman. Likewise, you might classify Queen Nefertiti as a strong lady. Makeda, better know as the Queen Of Sheba, knew how to keep her men in line. But that history gets lost on us.

I just hope that Disney makes Maddy real, and not some ethnic cliche. I hope she doesn't run around New Orleans in the movie shouting, "Girrrl, stay away from my frog!" Bobbing her head rythmically to the hip-hop soundtrack.

Terror In The Aisles...

2007-03-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

One of my co-workers worked hard to get a dance ensemble to come out to our school and perform. These were very good artists, with cutting edge costumes and music...

Maybe too good.

The beginning of the performance started with a dancer decending onto the floor where the students were sitting. Make no mistake, these costumes were elaborate -so out comes an 8-foot alligator, complete with red eyes and a head that could rotate better than Linda Blair's in The Exorcist.

Picture 60 kindergartners going from Criss-Cross Applesauce to full sprint in 3.6 seconds flat. Pandemonium reigned as they ran for the exits, trying to save themselves from this abomination, screaming in terror. Once their heart rates returned to normal, the principal tried to explain that it was only make-believe. and that the only monster they should really be afraid of is Dick Cheney.

More tears of terror, more screaming...

Seriously, some of these kids were so traumatized, they could not even return to the assembly and had to go back to their rooms for some much needed Clay Therapy.

I think of all the education that I missed - some how my homework was never quite like this...

He's a Cold-Hearted Snake

2007-03-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

Actually, that's not true - they ate yesterday after just coming out of hibernation... Eight mice, between the both of them - My King Snake pictured above is named Adam - My female snake, Eve, resides in the tank next to him, but she was being kind of a bitch (It runs in the family) and refused to smile for the camera.

We seperated them after trying to mate them once - Eve bit Adam on the back - I guess that's snake for, "I have a head-ache, you bastard" I told you - it runs in the family.

Anyway, both Adam and Eve are over 5 feet long and are older than God herself.

They ssss-send their love to Creepy's baby snake, Alistair!!

Shit Happens

2007-03-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

What The Hell Is In The Mail?

I often get crap in the mail. But when I say that, I am usually referring to bogus credit offers and useless get rich schemes. What I was unaware of was the fact that you can really send crap through the United States Postal Service!
James Greg (His name has been changed to protect his anus) has a condition which makes monitoring his stools a necessity. At his doctor’s behest, he carefully and lovingly wrapped his sample in a pouch, which he then placed into a specially marked packet and popped in the outgoing mail slot for a “correspondence technician” to pick up. (You can’t say Mailman anymore – that’s not PC – but I digress)
This was not a hermetically sealed container – Oh, no. Think of an overnight envelope, only smaller. Suddenly, Fed Ex sounds more like "Freaking Disgusting"! Imagine the commercial for that service - pan to a young man, trying to beat the 8 am delivery deadline as he rushes up the stairs of an 80-floor skyscraper (he hits every stair up to the 79th floor and then collapses, with crap all over his face. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'What can brown do for you today,' doesn’t it?) then the kicker, the logo that the jingle performers wail with gusto..
'We Take Your Sh*it!'
There aren’t enough stamps in the world to convince me to touch that feces-ridden biohazard.
Now, according to "The Law" sending feces through the mail is legal if it’s for medical or veterinarian purposes. Sending postal poo to your ex because he cheated on you with his secretary who looks suspiciously like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader will get ya sent to the slammer. What happens if you send a dog-bomb through the mail? The law says you can send FiFi Feces to the vet, right? So what if the package gets accidentally mislabeled and, instead, goes to your witch-face mother-in-law in Dubuque? Have any doubt that’d get you banned from family outings for the life-span of your marriage?
So, some poopholes, I mean, LOOP holes are meant to be exploited.
What’s next, Urine-Grams?

Don't Even Try To Deny It...

2007-03-09T22:58:00.000-08:00

Land Of Confusion

2007-02-23T23:24:00.000-08:00

~SOME OF THE CLASSICS WITHSTAND THE TEST OF TIME~

Jump down the shelters to get away

The boys are cockin' up their guns

Tell us general, is it party time?

If it is can we all come?

Don't think that we don't know

Don't think that we're not trying

Don't think we move too slow

It's no use after crying

Saying It's a mistake, it's a mistake

It's a mistake, it's a mistake

After the laughter as died away

And all the boys have had their fun

No surface noise now, not much to say

They've got the bad guys on the run

Don't try to say you're sorry

Don't say he drew his gun

They've gone and grabbed old Georgie

He's not the only one

Saying It's a mistake, it's a mistake

It's a mistake, it's a mistake

Tell us commander, what do you think?

'Cos we know that you love all that power

Is it on then, are we on the brink?

We wish you'd all throw in the towel

We'll not fade out too soon

Not in this finest hour

Whistle your favourite tune

We'll send a card and flower

Saying It's a mistake, it's a mistake

It's a mistake, it's a mistake...

No One Gets Out Of This Town Alive....

2007-02-10T16:27:00.000-08:00

Rest In Peace, Anna. Call her life a train wreck, or a self fullfilling prophecy, the birthdate and deathdate on her headstone are too close together. Thirty-nine years just isn't long enough.

I won't say Smith is of a younger generation that I know nothing about, I'm only a year older, but what Anna symbolized definitely belongs to the Paris Hiltons, the Lindsay Lohans and the Britney Spears of the world.

And I don't get it at all.

Being famous for fame's sake is the new sport. Tila Tequila has a million friends on MySpace and some pretty pictures in a few magazines. That's enough to get people gossiping about her and boy toy Jared Leto and voila - they are hollyweird's latest story. Lindsay Lohan is an average actress better known not as an "oscar winner," but as "FireCrotch" due to her aversion to underwear.

Paris Hilton has never done a thing except have the great fortune of being born into a rich family. Ok, I'm sorry, she released one song that tragically showcased her minnie mouse on helium voice. It's no coincidence that the cd came with one tranquilizer and a pain reliever for those foolish enough to violate their ears. These poster children for planet "Look at Me, Look at ME!" demand the spotlight and then lament on the horrors of fame. They parade every bad habit they have and then feign indignance that we call them on their behavior. You act like a streetwalker, you dress like a prostitute and you sleep around with anything that walks - You may be a whore.

Then something happens, like Smith's death this week, and we wring our hands and lament on all the things that went wrong in her life.

They are a part of a lazy, fast-food, disposable lifestyle that is neither healthy nor real. Most of them would themselves tell you that they have "issues". Give someone like that a million-dollar checkbook and tell them to be happy - and all you end up with is an unhappy rich person, still saddled with ghetto problems, heading full-throttle towards oblivion.

Crazy Train

2007-01-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

It's Called PMS Because "MAD COW DISEASE" Was Already Taken.

Bitchology

2007-01-25T22:49:00.000-08:00

It's happened, and I don't know when or why, but I have turned into an angry old bitch. Some of the smallest things set me off and I just want to commit goddamned homicide.
Flipping off the asshole who just cut you off on the freeway is normal. Hell, it's expected. Wanting to rip the balls off their screaming body and wear them as earrings is not.
Rolling your eyes at the person who has just stepped on your last nerve might be considered normal. It might even be lauded as restraint. However, burying him/or her while they are still alive may be a sign that you need anger management therapy.
I'm judgemental, intolerant of fuckwits, in-your-face...
I should be the antagonist in a Stephen King novel.
I hate our president and have a deep desire to do
jail time for forcing Bush to get Hooked On Phonics.
I believe in corporal punishment. I believe in a woman's right to choose whether or not to be a mother. You fuck with that, and I will seriously have to consider giving you a manual labotomy. I command that you leave gays and lesbians alone and start working on your own lives instead of trying to fuck up everyone elses.
Don't pick on someone smaller than you. You wanna dance - come after me. But expect to get better than you give.
You'll never take advantage of me and you will never break me.

Madam President

2007-01-20T10:42:00.004-08:00

HILLARY IS IN!

What's that, you sniveling republican whiner? Hillary has decided to run and that is your worst nightmare -right up there with Roe Vs. Wade and the 19th Amendment.

Maybe there is a chance for universal healthcare and peace?

Think how many woman are now in positions of power globally...

Why has it taken America so long?

WARNING:

2007-01-18T15:19:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and they made me think about my own past. I once went out with a guy from Ireland who I thought was ALL that... and he cheated on me with a chick who gave more blowjobs than a Hoover vaccuum cleaner. I wasn't too heartbroken - I was a teenager, it wasn't true love - But I've never understood the whole concept of fucking someone over like that.

Don't like the person you're with? That's fine - sometimes matches are made in hell - but what's up with having to demean and disrespect someone by cheating? You know I'm not a fucking prude - and I like a little danger - but why be a traitorous dog if you don't have to be?

Personally, my hubby knows that if he ever fell out of love with me, or found someone better than me, (as if?) he could tell me and we'd deal with it.

But you cheat on me... hell hath no fury like a LoudMouthBitch scorned.

I dug my key into the side of his pretty, little, souped up, 4-wheel-drive
I carved my name into his leather seats.
Took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

~Carrie Underwood~

Snow-Hoe 2007

2007-01-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

We Don't get a lot of snow here in Washington, until today...
Take notice of the amazing cleavage and snow sarong!

I think the cap makes her
look especially "trailer"! -
Designed by my
neighbor, Melissa

I Want Your Sexxx

2007-01-13T19:34:00.000-08:00

In 1729, Jonathan Swift wrote "A Modest Proposal," In which he urged the starving people or Ireland to cook up their children for food. However tongue-in-cheek it was meant to be (I love that phrase - never get a chance to use it in normal conversation) it caused quite a controversy.
Today, I offer my own proposal for getting our troups and those looking to get out of the war, a sexy exit strategy. You ready for...

An IMMODEST proposal?

Just because you are a staff sargeant in the Airforce, doesn't mean you can't be a sexxy bitch. Wanting to be in Playboy since she was 12, Michelle Manhart got her chance. Not only did she get a hot photoshoot and have a blast, she got tossed out of the airforce for doing it.

So - here is my proposal.

If you are in the service and are being stationed somewhere like, oh, I don't know, say BAGHDAD, you need to read this. If you are IN Iraq and have access to a computer and you wanna get out, you need to read this.

Send me all the sexy photos you have of yourself to PlayBitch. I will publish them (tastefully, of course) and let the governnment know. They, in turn, will have no choice but to release you from any and all duty (Dishonorable, of course) but alive and whole beats being dead and blown up.

Send all photos to lcortney@comcast.net and get your ticket home.

Dirty Deeds And They're Done Dirt Cheap...

2007-01-13T16:20:00.000-08:00

That's A Fact, Jack!

Nancy Pelosi, you are my bitch.

She's doing everything in her power (and she's got alot of it) to try to work with Dubya's administration, only to have him thumb his nose at everyone with that lame-ass speech earlier in the week.

Mama ain't happy.

Wanna throw 20 thousand more bodies into the war pyre? Maybe we should send the twins in. They'd look so cute in their camoflauge and Gucci purses. Worry about your girls over there, Fucker.

Pelosi may not be able to stop Moron from making a seismic error like escalating a horrible war, but she can get into his skivvies and give him a bad case of jock itch for the next couple of years until his lame-fuck presidency is finally over.

Every business Bush has ever had he's run into the ground. Why should America be any different? Just yesterday was reading an article from Europe that referred to our beloved as "The Vampire Of the Western World."

Now he wants to shake shit up in Iran. We have a carrier poised for action, and a "Dick" of a vice-president who gave orders to hit Iran with nuclear bunkerbusters the MOMENT it looks like they are doing nothing.

What Bush needs to do (besides get a much needed labotomy) is stop being Israel's bitch. They like to play bully with the bigger boys because they know they have their Uncle USA behind them like a body guard with a sneer and brass knuckes. He also has to understand that by taking the Shiite side, he is embarassing and enraging most of the arab world over there. But what does he care - he doesn't read intelligence papers, much less history books.

Pelosi et all - give the son of a bitch hell for us all. Let him know that this is not what American voters screamed for last November. Raise the Minimum wage, of course (they did!)

Oh, and protect Roe Vs. Wade.

Amen.

Wanna Hear My Body Talk??

2007-01-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

Damn sports stores and their 75% off merchandise.

Patting my newfound post-holiday padding, I could no longer deny my problems.
I had too much junk in my trunk, not enough muscle in my hustle. To wit: I was a walking keg with legs.
My cheeto-colored fingers flew over the keyboard of my computer as I entered E-bay in search of a girl's best exercise toy. No, not that, smut monkeys. Something better. A huge, purple-leather Everlast punching bag - complete with pink leather boxing gloves.
Well, lipo my ass and call me Denise Austin.
I felt like Rocky Balboa as I snarled and grunted, hitting the bag with all my might, imaging how my abs of aluminum foil would soon feel like concrete. It wasn't coincidence that Strains of "Eye of the Tiger" blared from my MP3 player. I kicked and punched the sucker until I literally knocked it out of the ceiling. I tried to chalk it up to my amazing strength, but in the end I knew in my heart of hearts that my husband just hadn’t mounted it properly. I'm not ashamed to admit that when I tell my family the story, I make it sound like I went Mike Tyson on its ass.
Then it was time to hit the exercise ball. I sat on the thing, bouncing my butt up and down. Seemed easy enough. Still riding the high of smacking the shit out of an inanimate object, with delusions of an arm-chair athlete, I ventured to do crunches.
I extended my back, caught too much momentum and flew back - causing my head to wedge between the floor and the ball. Equally concerning was the way the cord from my headphones had suddenly wrapped around my throat. I managed to get my hands behind my head and attempted to push myself back up. The ball, still slick from being right out of the box, shifted under me and I ended up on my back.
I got to my knees, which popped loudly. My cat was staring at me. I could almost hear the laughter. Bitch.
More determined than ever, I laid flat down on the contraption, keeping the ball just under my hips as I tried to do what constitutes a push up for someone who has no upper body strength. I started getting my workout on, and I was in the zone…
Until I realize that a neighbor was looking at me from across the street. From his viewpoint, I appeared to be having sex with the ball. And not good sex either. I looked like an over-eager teenager experiencing her first time.
Hey, no one said fitness was pretty.
Everyone knows that weight loss demands more than just exercise. Laxatives and water are essential. Trying to starve myself didn’t work. I only woke up in the middle of the night, wondering where I was, looking with horror at the package of cookies I'd consumed sleep-walk style. I’ve heard of night-eating on Oprah, but never thought I’d be a victim to it. I took that as a sign I may have cut back my food intake just a LITTLE too much.
Desperate, I even tried alternate, holistic paths to fatlessness. I was wrapped in seaweed, which made me feel like a big piece of sushi. Not to mention I am somewhat claustrophobic. I tried diet pills. The box claimed they were caffeine free, but my shaking hands told a different story. When you’re running around the office like a Tasmanian devil on crack, you're fooling no one. A co-worker asked if I was dieting again. I replied to the negative and offered to completely detail her car.
I wish I could say it was all worth it. I haven't lost any weight, but I’m more determined than ever.
I wiped the sweat off my brow with a towel and continued my quest for health and the perfect ass. I just had to work a little harder.
'Come On – Feel the burn,' I thought to myself as I inhaled and exhaled deeply. 'How hard can it be?'
The Yellow Pages seemed to have fly with a life of their own.
It can't be that difficult to find one good plastic surgeon…

Life, Or Something Like it

2007-01-02T20:31:00.001-08:00

Happily Never After

2007-01-02T18:39:00.000-08:00

Who Says There's No Such Thing As True Love?

YORK, Pa. Jan 2, 2007 (AP)— A man who proposed to his girlfriend at a New Year's party allegedly knocked her out with a steering wheel lock just hours after she said yes, police said.
Stephen Mujerm, 40, of Lanham, Md., and new fiancee Victorine Taboh began arguing about 6 a.m. Monday as they drove home from the party in northern York County.
Taboh, of Laurel, Md., and another passenger were complaining that Mujerm was driving recklessly, police said. He then stopped the vehicle beside Interstate 83 in Springfield Township, where he and Taboh got out and began to argue.
As the confrontation escalated, Taboh began breaking the windows of Mujerm's car with a steering wheel lock, police said. Mujerm then punched Taboh and hit her in the head with the lock, knocking her unconscious, said police.
Emergency medical workers took Taboh to a hospital, where she was treated and released, police said.
State police charged Mujerm with aggravated assault, simple assault, reckless endangering and driving while under the influence of alcohol.
A phone number for him could not be located.

Must See TV

2006-12-31T22:24:00.000-08:00

You can all "Dance With The Stars" -
I'll Stay In The HOUSE:
The best show ever - Bar none.

Well, except 24, American Idol, Hell's Kitchen, Ugly Betty...

Foreman: “I had a date last night. She screamed too. You think we should
spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?”
House: “Of course not. This isn’t a veterinary hospital. Zing!” - Lines in the Sand

I'm Fatally Happy And Not Dangerous, Mostly.

2006-12-30T16:24:00.000-08:00

Well, three very different deaths.

Gerald Ford, 93

James Brown, 72

Saddam Hussein, 69 (Who says only the good die young?)

The first thing that stuck out in my mind... why did Ford get more than 20 years on Brown?

Was it the drinking, partying, and general Hollywood debauchery that made the difference?

Ford may have lived longer, but Brown's was the only body I saw who lay in his coffin with a sly, knowing smile. Peace On, Godfather. OOooW!

Ford was a man of principal and character. All his friends say so. He navigated the country out of the Watergate debacle. I will personally kick anyone's ass who compares him to our current president. Ford inherited the mess - he didn't make the mess. Bush can't seem to wrap his brain around the concept of diplomacy - Ford was all about bipartisanship and reaching out for the common good. Thank you for your steady leadership, Mr. Ford.

Saddam, that's a totally different thing.

You don't kill thousands of people and get away with it. Being a dictator is a little like being a mafia boss - you know sooner or later karma's gonna bite you in the ass. Or blast your brains all over the streets , or hang you by your neck. Waiting for yesterday's execution was like waiting for Superbowl kickoff to happen. Almost a festive air about it. Surreal.

You're A Mor-on, Mr. Bush

2006-12-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

The Bush Who Stole Your Rights

Every You down in Youville
Liked their rights a lot...

But the Bush, who lived in dreamland,
He did NOT!

The Bush hated rights, especially numbers 1 and 4,
And no one quite knows the why or what for.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
Or maybe, perhaps, that his tights were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his brain is two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, his brain or his tights,
He stood there in dreamland, hating your rights,
Plotting to take them, with a sour, Bushy frown
And all the while acting like a bumbling old clown.

He plotted and schemed with his friends on the Hill
To take all your rights with their weasely skill.
With Patriot Acts numbered first one and then two
With MCAs, spying, illegal wiretapping too
Your rights were on the line, yes set up for the kill.

And then Bush and Cheney well what did they do?
Why they looked from their tower at me and at you,
They looked with their faces screwed up in a sneer
Sure that our rights would soon disappear.

But what was it they saw with their small beady eyes,
What was it that caught them, yes quite by surprise?
Senators Talent and Burns, Santorum and Allen
Joined Delay and some others among the crestfallen.

For the people in Youville spoke up loud and clear
They spoke up for the rights that they once held so dear
And Bush and his cronies looked on in dismay
The votes were all counted, what more could they say.

But people of Youville the fight is not done
For Congress might still put your rights on the run.
To Pelosi and Reid every You must write
To let them both know that the Yous have the might.

Yes let Congress know that the Yous have the might,
And if they screw it all up you'll take THEM the fight.

**Thank you to His Honor, The Judge, On MySpace for this Seussian Delight!

God's Little Gift Is On The Rag....

2006-12-24T15:13:00.000-08:00

1st Annual Rag Awards:
Things we DON'T want to see in 2007

* Bling cell phones that cost more than the average American's home.
~What you got money to burn? Give to a charity! Better yet, I'll take that money off your hands. My address is....

* Clueless Parents.
~It takes a special kind of stupid to leave your baby in a megastore. 'Home Alone' was just a movie, people. "I thought YOU had the baby, dear." "No, Honey, I have the Ipod."

The poor little defenseless baby had to be thinking, "So glad I've been left with responsible adults."
~The woman who put her grandchild through the x-ray detector at the airport. Get glasses, lady. did you think it was a new children's ride, or did you just want to see the kid glow? Some with more compassion than I have pondered "she's just an inexperienced traveler". You don't have be a world-class traveler to figure you don't unneccesarily expose children to radiation. My bet is on alzheimers or chronic stupidity.
~Parents who put their children in cages? I don't have much to say about that, except I hope you're kids pull a Menendez on you.

* Ms. "Am-An-Air-Head-Ica" Winners Behaving Badly.

~You knew the rules going into the Ms America Pagent. No Bestiality, No Sacrifices, and above all - NO UNDERAGE DRINKING. Stop airing your dirty tiara on TV and take your medicine like a good blow-up doll.

*ANYTHING BRITNEY SPEARS.

~Spare us the horror of seeing what's between your legs. All woman have one, Brit - most of us keep them clean and covered, not commando. Are you channeling Whitney Houston? Since tacky seems to fit you like trailer trash on Velveeta - stop acting like a guest star on "My Name Is Earl" and clean up your act.

10 Things I Hate About Me...

2006-12-21T10:09:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged!
Thanks, Creepy - The Righteous Rev. over at the "Church Of Lost Souls"

So, I gotta come up with 6 weird things about myself. This should take all of about 2.5 seconds.

1-I hate green vegetables. All of them. I do not eat them. My body would go
into shock if I put anything nutritious into it. (Green is for Rabbits, got
that?)

2 - I will not sleep with my bed against a wall, nor will I sleep with my
face to a wall, with my back to the door. Years of self-therapy cannot untangle
this one.

3 - I must have been electrocuted for crimes against humanity in my past
life, because I have a very strong paranoia about electricity. Getting shocked
in the shower, bathtub, sink... I am very cautious about water and electricity -
apparently, they don't mix.

4 - I once made a delicious chocolate cake and accidently knocked it off
the counter just after I'd frosted it. Rather than try to save it - I stomped
all over it. If you've never experienced the sensation of warm frosting between
your toes - You haven't lived, my friends.

5 - I've studied Serial Killers and Abnormal psychology for the past 10
years. I want to be a Profiler "When I Grow Up". Too bad the FBI feels you're
past your expiration date at 36.

6 -It's a sickness, I know - but I actually love national political
conventions and debates. I am So psyched for 2008. There! I said it!
Now, pass me an aspirin!

CONGRATULATIONS

2006-12-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

I can finally cross "Be Time's Person Of The Year"

off my list of things to do before I die.

Who Says These These Tests Aren't True???

2006-12-16T11:37:00.000-08:00

According to experts, my personality type is :
Evil Genius

Other people like me display these traits.

They listen to Brittany Spears

They have webbed feet

They are scared of clowns

They have 6 fingers on each hand

Take the Ink Blot Personality Quiz at JokesUnlimited.com

Merry Christ.. Happy Hol.. Whatever.

2006-12-13T21:38:00.000-08:00

You can’t fix stupid.
Like it or not, there are people who just like to suck the fun out of everything.
For those American’s who feel mortally wounded hearing the phrase, “Merry Christmas” – just smile and wish the person “Happy Holidays”
No twelve-step therapy needed.
Anyone suffer post traumatic stress syndrome after passing a nativity scene – whether it be with Mary and Jesus, or Gary and Jesus…
Didn’t think so.
Would Western civilization itself end if someone were to put a beautiful wreath on their door with a peace sign in the middle? God forbid, (I know…now I’ve gone and offended the Atheists) nothing shouts “Satan” to the neighbors quite like a peace sign.
What happened to tolerance? Were supposed to respect just some peoples’ views and values, while trashing others?
To me, PC stands for “pretty cowardly”
Go out and read the Koran if it moves you. Get a tree whether you celebrate Christmas or not – it’s the ultimate air freshener, right? Sing carols at the top of your lungs, or discover Hannukah! Write a letter to Santa…
Live your life and stop worrying about the fragile sensibilities of those who cannot think for themselves.

What would Jack Daniels Do?

2006-12-13T21:12:00.000-08:00

We All Have To Unwind, Right?

After working two hours overtime and getting out to my car, which was on empty, going home and relaxing was high on my list of priorities.

I'll admit - I like a glass of wine in the evening, as does my husband. Sometimes, he even fancies a beer.

Well, I must have inhaled the gas fumes too deeply as I filled up my car at a gas station close to work, because I decided to stop at the local Lushes R' Us to get some.. Spirits - which is even closer. I work in education. I am a computer tech for an elementary school. As I picked out my White Zindandel and a 6 pack of Fat Tire for my hubby, I suddenly had visions of one of my tots rushing up to me screaming, "Mommy, Meet Mrs. LoudMouthBitch!" The booze-meister get's busted.

So - a devious plan was hatched - 'cause if word gets to the PTA that you're purchasing alcohol in mass quantities... there will be talk.

I purchased a very large, black knit shirt and cooly placed it over my basket filled with evil and got the hell out of the store. Paying with one of those Pay pass things that does not even require a signature.

What do you think.....

Clever - or a cry for help???

Asses Of Evil

2006-12-13T20:51:00.000-08:00

As George would say... "It's 'nother one of those Poles..."

2006-12-10T00:36:00.000-08:00

This is an actual email I received from the Office of Washington State Senator Patty Murray:

Dear Mrs. LoudMouthBitch,
Thank you for contacting me about the possibility of impeaching or censuring President Bush or other members of his Administration. I appreciate hearing from you.
As you know, Congress may remove the President, Vice President, and any Civil Officer of the United States from office through the impeachment process. According to the Constitution, the House of Representatives may impeach an official on charges of "Treason, Bribery, or other High Crimes and Misdemeanors" (Article II, Section 4) to remove the individual from office. Only two sitting Presidents, Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton, have ever been impeached. No sitting President has been convicted and removed from office. Only one President – Andrew Jackson – has ever been censured, or rebuked, by the Senate. President Jackson’s censure was expunged from the Senate record three years later.
I share your concerns and frustrations with the Bush Administration. I too have significant concerns about the Administration’s policies and the rationale for many of their actions. I voted against invading Iraq because the Bush Administration failed to address a viable exit strategy or clearly define the mission’s objectives. I am deeply
concerned with the Administration efforts prior to the invasion, and their
conduct of the war since then. Additionally, I have grave concerns about the
admissions that the President authorized the National Security Agency to spy on
U.S. citizens without a warrant. The American people deserve a full and open
investigation into the Administration’s actions.
Oversight of the Administration is one of Congress’s vital roles. Unfortunately, up until this point, the Republican majorities in both the House of Representatives and the Senate have conducted nearly no oversight, even routine, of this Administration.
In the careful balance of power, I believe that Congress – as the legislative
branch – has an obligation to conduct oversight on any executive, regardless of
party. Congress must ensure that no abuse of power ever occurs, and that the
American people continue to benefit from the transparence of government.
Only through effective oversight can the House and the Senate determine
whether the Administration’s actions have been appropriate, and I am deeply
troubled by how few hearings have been held to examine these questions. I
believe that the Congress must hold the Administration accountable for their
actions and decisions. In the upcoming 110th Congress, I look forward to
restoring that accountability with the incoming Democratic majority.
Again, thank you for contacting me. If I can be of service in the future, please be in
touch.
Sincerely,
Patty Murray
United States Senator

Condom-Nation

2006-12-10T00:06:00.000-08:00

What's A Sex Worker To Do?

In what must be the Wal-Mart of sex,
a man thought that paying a whopping $1.20 to have sex with a Cambodian woman meant he did not have to wear a condom.
Well, the chick may be cheap, but she's not stupid. She told him twice to jacket up - he refused.
She left, he chased her down and slapped her up. So she did what most woman would do, she stabbed him right in the Trojans. (ok, in the stomach - she was aiming for 'em, though.)
Wrong? I don't think so.
Cambodia has one of the highest rates of HIV infection in Asia.
Of course, she's in police custody pending charges, and the asshole is in the hospital -
He should consider himself lucky.
If he'd tried that shit with an American woman - she would have forced the prophylactic down his throat and snapped his penis off at the root -
All the while laughing manically as she listened to his howls of pain.
*I know all the men reading this are now crossing their legs in pain. Let this be a lesson: Safety first.

As You Can See, I've Been Hella Busy......

2006-12-09T21:59:00.001-08:00

Do You Think George Has Seen This Book?

Oh, Wait...

Our President Doesn't Read!

Would Someone Give This Man A Blow Job So We Can Impeach Him?

Where's Monica When You Need Her

Bush - Where Art Thou?

2006-12-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

U-S Fuckin' A!

2006-11-08T20:17:00.000-08:00

I must've dreamed a thousand dreams

Been haunted by a million screams

But I can hear the marching feet

They're moving into the street

The voters have spoken - and their collective voice wasn't a soft whisper saying, "Excuse me, Mr. President? We need to talk."
Hell to the no.
It sounded more like a wife who walks in on her husband doing the nasty in his office with the bitch secretary he just hired who looks suspiciously like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.
Pack your bags, you traitorous bastard - the ride ends here.
The house, the senate, a new speaker - AND Rumsfeld got the bum's rush...
What's next - Impeachment proceedings??? (sleep well, Dubya)
::Contented Sigh::

Enemy Of The State?

2006-10-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

This is what we have come to expect from years of the Bush administration. Instead of worrying about Nov 7th (and the GOP should be VERY worried), the Iraq war, the assault on the Constitution, etc...our president has other, more pressing domestic issues to attend to.
As evidenced in her MySpace page, 9th grader Julia Wilson, like 98% of America, does NOT like Dubya. - Here's your admittance card, Julia. Join the club - But she got more than she bargained for when federal agents showed up at her school to interrogate her.
Ah, isn't it good to know that your tax dollars are being put to such good use?
Now, I understand the Secret Service has to run down ALL threats to the president (keeping the most unpopular president in history from harm, how is that for job security?) but come on - does this chick really look like a natural born killer?
This would not be the first time our government could not tell the difference between a killer and Captain kangaroo. Just ask the little kindergartner who made is way on to Bush's "Most Dangerous List"
- Yea, and you wonder why we can't win the war in Iraq?
I'd like the see the dossier the president has on those Enemy Combatants, the Boy Scouts of America.
*When you are old and eating catfood - thank a Republican.
VOTE ON NOVEMBER 7TH, Bitches.

Fahva Beans And A Nice Chianti.....

2006-10-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

What The Hell Is Up With This??
You know it's gonna be a good day when you wake up and try to curl your face with a hot-iron.(Haven't fuckin' done that since high school when Crunchy Bangs did not automatically make you fashion road kill.) I slathered on the aloe vera and tried to cover the damage with my hair. Which, I have noticed is about 14 shades darker blonde than it was when I was little - go ahead, say DIRTY BLONDE - I fuckin' Dare Ya.
It's been cold. We have snakes, so we breed mice - Don't ask. While my husband was away, it was my duty to take care of the little botulistic bastards.
13 of them froze to death. what was I supposed to do, blow them - I mean BLOW ON THEM to keep them warm? It get's worse.
It is hard to believe there are still places in the United States where everyone goes to bed when the sun goes down and fast food has a 10 o'clock curfew.
On a recent vacation, my husband and I stopped in such a place.
We were thinking the town looked a little like something out of a Stephen King movie, but after hours of driving, we were hungry. Not just famished, but-bring-me-a-cow-and-I-will barbecue-the-damn-thing-on-the-overheated-hood-of-my-car kind of starving.
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit... where I come from, there's such a thing as 24 hour service.
We resigned ourselves to stopping at a little shoppe (yes, complete with an extra E) and helped ourselves to a couple of outrageously overpriced, dried out croissant sandwiches and warm soda. Well, as you could imagine, I was extremely curious as to why there seemed to be a midnight moratorium on McDonalds.
"Does this place always close so early on Fridays?" I asked, flakes of croissant, still dangling from my lips.
As she ripped the Gold Mastercard from my hand, the twelve year old cashier looked at me with a look of distrust and explained to me like it was the most Billy-Bob question in the world.
"lady - the only thing open this time of night is Baskin and Robbins
31 flavors..."
You guessed, didn't you?
I hate ice cream.

Tuck Me!

2006-09-21T17:38:00.000-07:00

Who wouldn't wanna get their freak on with Julian McMahon?
Recently Rosie O'Donnell got to do the mattress mambo with Sadistic Surgeon Christian Troy of Nip/Tuck -
Lucky Lesbian! Uh - I'm betting she PAID to be on the show.
McMahon was gentlemanly enough to compliment her on her breasts, which she bared after several scenes were scrapped due to a certain tube top she was wearing getting caught in the picture. Hmmm - If you had to answer "So, tell me - what don't you like about yourself?"
What would you say?

We're Just Fucked

2006-09-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

If they only had brains, what half-wits they'd be

LESSON #1- PLEASE, if you're gonna screw me over, atleast first put on a condom. I am getting royally jacked around at work by a company I've worked 10 years for - thats 120 months, 3650 days - IE a really long fucking time - and for what? Call me in 10 minutes before I leave on a Thursday and tell me my whole world is changing - On Monday.
I've spent three days biting my lip - playing fucking nice and trying to generally make the best of shit that would make Gandhi hostile.
Then some moron has the balls to come up and ask ME to do something for him?
Sure Baby, I'm just dying to make YOUR dreams come true.
I know why people go on maniacal rampages.

This Is Going To Be EXTREMELY Painful....

2006-08-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

Someone In The Office Must Have Been Dipping Into The Morphine....

A medicare worker allegedly "Pushed The Wrong Button" and inadvertantly send out hundreds of reimbursement checks to confused subscribers totaling over 50 million dollars - not a small chunk of change.

Before they could say, "pass the Vicodin," the glitch was discovered and the money was demanded back.

This is just the latest embarrassement for Medicare, which at times has been accused of making things so complicated for their clients that they can't even get needed perscriptions.

"Go back to the lessons that we have learned from Medicare over the years, that simplicity works," said Paul Precht of the Medicare Rights Center.

Top Medicare executives agree - they claim they only hire the most simple people they can find to handle billing - but to make sure another costly mistake is not made - they have offered free in-house labotomies to all qualifying employees.

Don't Let The Fun Go Down On Me...

2006-08-28T21:07:00.000-07:00

Don't fuckin' laugh - 17 years ago I was married in Las Vegas in a cheeze-covered ceremony that would make Velveeta proud, and you know what? I loved it!
Sadly, those days of meeting someone at 9:45 and being betrothed before Midnight are are slowly being crapped out. I guess it's too easy to promise to love and cherish forever when it's 4 in the morning, only to get up at the crack of noon the next day and pray for the end of time.
Sin City officials claim this move will save hundreds of thousands of dollars in manhours, not to mention moolah spent on emergency annulments that take place when you wake and discover you married the lounge singer from the Mirage.
Viva Las Vegas, Baby If you have to get married RIGHT now.... you probably shouldn't.

Beauty School Drop-outs

2006-08-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

Apparently, The Devil Wears NADA...

HAMMOND, Ind. Aug 27, 2006 (AP)— Classrooms were a little less crowded at Morton High School on the first day of classes: 128 students were sent home for wearing the wrong clothes.
Fed up with inappropriate outfits, the principal suspended the students for one day Wednesday, minutes after doors opened at the school. Those suspended represent more than 10 percent of the 1,200 total students.
The offending attire including baggy pants, low-cut shirts, tank tops and graphic T-shirts are banned from classrooms. Students were also cited for cell phone use.
"This was the worst year I've seen in a long time," said Principal Theresa Mayerik. "It's gotten out of control, and we needed to send a message that we're not messing around."
The Hammond school usually has 20 dress code violations a day.
Mayerik said the infraction would be removed from students' records in 12 weeks if they had no other in-school violations.
School board members said they support Mayerik and the mass suspensions. "I'd be supportive if half the school was sent home, because 99 percent will get the message our schools are for education," board president Rebecca Ward said.

I Shaved My Legs For THIS?

2006-08-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, I had a person who used to maintain my page, and for reasons I will not bore you with, that is no longer possible - as you can tell by my missing banner and "me" photo.

Does anyone out there in blogger land do page design??
Think "The Colbert Report" Think of something Democratic. Think of something "I think Bush is an insufferable ass."
If you know anyone who does web design - I really need help :)

The Fuck Up Fairy Visited Us Again?

2006-08-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

Wow - who knew it could be THIS fun to be a woman?

This Picture Came Off Their Site

In the past weeks, I have tangled with a couple of "Beater" groups who think this kind of shit is funny. Not necessarily because I want to, but because I had some success with another group like this, I am now the WifeBeater Terminator.
Bring It on.
But I digress - I have been threated with burning, told I would end up in the ER, and let in on the little known fact that if the could get me and kick me repeatedly in the ribs, I'd finally understand.
Sorry, Scooter - you'd never get close enough to me.
"Beater Pride NationWide" is their motto. They are not just trying to get your attention, they actually believe in the brutality and would love to "Stab a woman in the face repeatedly and then sodomize her dead corpse."
Anyway, since my husband is such a bastard and does not beat me himself, they have graciously offered to do it for him.
Silly, Silly Boys....

**P.S. - I got word that this group was just shut down. Heh Heh Heh...

Doing The Dance Of Joy

You Fascist Dolt

2006-07-26T13:34:00.000-07:00

Webster's defines Fascism as the following:

A system of government characterized by rigid, one-party dictatorship,
forcible suppression of the opposition (unions, others, especially
leftist-parties, minority groups, etc.) The retention of private ownership of
the means of production under centralized governmental control, beligerent nationalism and racism, glorification of war....
Wow - sounds suspiciously like our government - When the fuck did that happen?!
It would be a party and a half to just be able to blindly follow the bad leadership of this administration, but unfortunately, I cannot put my head that far up my own ass.
Impeachment - it's not just for blowjobs anymore!

Reality Writes!

2006-07-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

If you've looked even once at this blog, you realize that I am not a "personal" blogger, but I have read SO many great blogs that talk about nothing but...
Nothing.
I mean that in a good way!
Then I look at my blog and it begs the question: Is this blog boring? Do we get so much pleasure from living vicariously through witty blogs written by great writers in places in the world we'll bever visit, that LoudMouthBitch is passe'? Maybe it's time for some re-invention?
Hmm - anxious to hear your criticisms, and your suggestions.
(Tying a bandana over my eyes - puffing a cigarette...)
Go ahead, hit me. I can handle it!

Erectile Dysfunction Malfunction

2006-07-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

Poor, poor, guys. What a scary dilemma. If you fail to launch - you're humiliated. Take the little blue pill and you risk being the first man in the history of the universe to have an erection that lasts longer than the first Bush presidency. Forget the pill, forget the pump and the penile implants.
That's right. Planet 'Bad Body Image' which was recently only inhabited by females, has been hijacked by metrosexuals.
Welcome to it!
Guys now have it in their repertoire to obsess over less than fab abs and penile 'shyness' all the while spraying fake hair over their male pattern baldness.
The old fashioned he-male might have spent his time riding a mechanical bull down at Gilley's, the new fashioned he-bitch might be spotted cruising the skin care counters at Nordstroms.
You can imagine my smug satisfaction when I witnessed one of these guys purchasing an entire skin care line of products, only to balk at the final total, which was more than my monthly mortgage payment. The woman behind the counter patiently explained that if he wanted to save money, he could dig up a hole in his back yard, add water and take his mud mask that way. He stalked off, muttering something about Brokeback Cowboys and big pores. Now that the guys can see what they're missing, I wonder if it's only a matter of time before they start going to gynecologists and begin demanding their own menstrual cramps.

You've Got Death Mail...

2006-07-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

Some people just never shut up.
The whole idea behind death is you are not alive anymore. You cannot communicate with anyone in Heaven or Hell. Looking for an 800 number for Purgatory? Good Luck. Our dearly departed are incommunicado. They may have wings and a halo, or maybe horns and a forked tails, but I guarantee the one thing they WON'T have is a celestial cell-phone.
Or will they?
For a small fee, an enterprising company on the internet will allow you to communicate with loved ones after your death through Email... Imagine the fun in this!
Let's say you bite the dust on Friday. You could send your boss an e-mail from beyond first thing Monday morning that could go something like this:

"Dear Rat Fuck, The day I started working for you I began losing my hair and contracted Irritable Bowel Syndrome, complete with swollen gums. I want to haunt you for the rest of your days, your personal poltergeist from hell. Got that? With that said, I just thought it fair that I tell you about the time your daughter and I went skinny dipping in the North Dam and had wild hot monkey sex. What are ya gonna do, Hotshot, fire me?
Sincerely, (Insert Your Name Here).

How cool is that?

You might even find it in your no longer beating heart to send one to your dear old mother-in-law.

"Dear Demon Whore, I just wanted you to know what the conditions are like here, after all, with inoperable cancer (they just have not found it yet.) you should be joining us shortly. We have nice hard rocks down here for you to sit on... you were always a pain in the ass, so that should suite you just fine. Oh, by the way, Satan says hi. See you soon!"
Love, (Insert Your Name Here).

This might also be the wonderful time to tell your family that you've given their entire inheritance to a streetwalker in downtown Portland named Ambrosia.

Ok, that might be a little insensitive.

The Last One Out Of The US, Please Turn Off The Lights

2006-07-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

Bombs, Nuclear Threats, Tensions Rising.
CNN Headlines: "MidEast Crisis! Brink Of War?"
Yet, you know this is how it will end:

What Is In A Name - Plame Blame

2006-07-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

Valerie Plame is suing Vice President Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.

More news to come.

Atta Girl

Manolo Madness!!!

2006-07-08T14:35:00.000-07:00

So, Stupidity is not just an "American Thing"?

ISTANBUL, Turkey Jul 8, 2006 (AP) - Chaos broke out at a shoe sale in Turkey this week, and one person got shot in the foot, a news agency reported.
The incident Friday occurred in Karabuk, a city about 125 miles north of Ankara, after people overloaded a two-story retailer that was selling pairs of shoes for as little as $6, the state-owned Anatolia news agency reported.
When customers rebelled against orders to close the store because of overcrowding and started to fight with one another and with salespeople, a store employee shot his gun into the air, Anatolia said. The bullet struck the foot of a customer, who was taken to a hospital, while the shooter was taken into police custody, the agency reported.
Shooting guns into the air is a not-uncommon method for dealing with emotional situations in Turkey, including weddings, soccer games, demonstrations and deals on shoes that are almost too good to be true.
Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Breasts Of Burden

2006-07-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

Imagine a "Day In The Life" Sitcom

about a young girl in Camaroon.

MOTHER: (Calling out to daughter) "Empathia! Hurry and come here!"
EMPATHIA: "Yes, Mother?"
MOTHER: "Take off your smock and put your breast on this board" (Mother pats board, then goes upstage to fire - impatiently gets two glowing rocks from the fire and brings them to her daugher - Audience roars)
EMPATHIA: "So, just so I have this straight. You are going to take molten rock and press it against my naked, sensitive flesh... I'm thinking no way! I squatted idly by while I was sewn shut." (Audience roars)
"No More! Why would you want to do this to me?"
MOTHER: "It is for your safety, daughter. I do not want you be attacked."
EMPATHIA: "So those are my two choices? Mutilation or Rape? I swear to god the neighborhood has gone to hell."

If it was not so disgusting, it might be funny - but it's not. Woman who are subjected to these kinds of mutilations suffer long-term effects of infection, permanant scarring, not being able to breast-feed once they do have children...

I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough. ~Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate

What's Mew Pussycat?

2006-07-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

Russian President, Vladimir Putin, while working a throng of loyalists, suddenly stopped in front of a child and talked to him. After exchanging pleasantries, Vlad raised the child's shirt and bussed the kids bare belly.
When asked to explain his ick-like behavior, the Prez responded,

"He seemed to me very independent, very serious, but at the same time a boy is always vulnerable. He was very sweet. I'll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture that I made, there was nothing behind it really,"

Really?

Should we call him Mikhail Jackson? I didn't believe it either until Putin said in a press conference later in the day that the Kremlin would, henceforth, be now known as "'Niet'ver Land".

Nip/Tuck

2006-07-05T21:15:00.000-07:00

This is the pic that should have accompanied the last entry... Fuckin' Blogger

10 Things I Hate About Me....

2006-07-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

Write this down in your notes: You are always going to accidentally say the wrong thing, be taken the wrong way, or fart at the most inopportune time. It's Murphy's Law. Just glance at the latest magazine headlines next time you're waiting behind some moron who can't read the "10 items or less" sign and pushes in front of you with TWO carts of crap... It's happened to you, has it not?
YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
While you are thinking of the most efficient way to kill this person and dispose of his/her corpse, check it out. What else is there to do? If you have to wait that long for the moron, you KNOW you're have to wait TWICE as long for the even dumber cashier who's helping him learn how to redeem his fifty-two 10-cent coupons on cat food. Read!

"99 THINGS TO DO WITH A NAKED MAN"
I may be generalizing, but I'm pretty sure I know what most women would want to do.

Or how about, "IS STRESS MAKING YOU BITCHY?"
No retard, I can handle stress, it's having to listen to you whine that's pissing me off.

"MY BOYFRIEND RAPED ME IN HIS SLEEP"
If only I had a dollar for every time that happened to me.

"HIS BUTT - WHAT THE SIZE SHAPE AND PINCHABILITY OF THOSE SWEET CHEEKS REVEAL ABOUT HIS TRUE SELF"
So, what if he has cheeks the size of TWO asses, both of which are covered with hair and pimples? Oh, be still my heart, I want that man.

"I RACED TO THE CAR WEARING HIS CURTINS"
One time I raced to the bus wearing the previous days clothes because prince fucking charming wouldn't wake up and drive me back to my apartment - does that count?

"SHE CAUGHT A RAPIST WITH A STRAW"
Is it my imagination, or are these guys getting dumber?

Finally,
Loves means never having to say you're sorry, right?
"YOUR BITCH LIST: THE THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR."
* So, you tattooed my name on your ass and we broke up - What do you think it was, True Love?? I think the state has a program to get rid of things like that. In other words, get laser and get over it.

* Why is having a conversation with a man like removing your own appendix with a dull butter knife? The man who can talk for hours about what the inside of a transmission looks like, suddenly turns into Rainman when asked how his day was. Duh-duh-duh DAY? I demand my man hold up his end of the conversation - after all, It's not as if I am asking him to discuss something as fun as the history of my menstrual cycle. Even if I DID say the word, menstrual cycle, he'd probably think it was a new Honda mini bike, anyway. What, do they not talk on MARS? Listen up and speak up...
When I tell you to.

Dinner's At Six Wear Your Cement Shoes

2006-07-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

*Yes, this is a repost, but I wrote it, and, well - I think it's funny!

_ You got drunk last night and brought the club cad home with you. He/she is still in your apartment, rifling through your medicine cabinet, showing no signs of leaving. You want to gently tell this human being to go the fuck away. What do you do?
A-Tell him/her that you just got your test results back from the local free clinic - Explain to him/her that you desperately encourage a regime of tetanus shots as soon as possible.
B- Tell him/her that you were truly touched by Angelina Jolie's and Billy Bob Thornton's show of love by wearing containers of each other's blood around their neck. Get a crack vial and a knife and tell him/her "You first."
C- Start talking to yourself in another language while pulling out tufts of your hair. Take out every bra or jock strap that you own and demand he/she tries them on and models for you.

_People of the opposite sex think you're attractive. Which of the following compliments would you most like to hear?
A-I've never seen anyone with a nose as huge as yours, but it works for you.
B-You have a bigger set of breasts/penis than my ex. You should be in Ripley's Believe It Or Not.
C- You are someone I could talk to forever, about nothing at all, and I feel like you understand the nothingness.

_Your mate just got out of prison and you are looking for the perfect gift to welcome him/her home. What would it be?
A-Order a DVD of all the greatest chain-gang hits… after all, the unmatched artistry of those who can make music with a sawed off spoon is brilliant.
B- Purchase 50 feet of chain-link fencing to put around the bed so he/she feels at home in your apartment.
C- Hire special friend to stop by at midnight every night to dole out packs of cigarettes and touch his/her butt for 2 minutes.

WARNING: Only hire professionals to do this, as amateurs can be dangerously inept.Use your yellow pages.

And STAY Out!

2006-07-05T15:58:00.000-07:00

A little 5-year-old girl was wakened by a bloody intruder standing over her bed. But instead of being scared, she got pissed - and showed the asshole the door.
The intoxicated 17-year-old, who let himself in through a window, was no match for the tiny dynamo. She carted him to the door, where the cops were ready and waiting for him.
Why?
The indignant child answered,
"Because he can't put blood in our house, that's why!"
Atta Girl.

*CYA ALERT: No, morons, I do not encourage children to partake in dangerous acts of bravery - but sometimes... well, it's good to see some major ass kickage.

I Am All For Separation Of Church and Hate...

2006-06-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Couldn't have said it better, Gandhi.

"I like your Christ.
I do not like your Christians...
They are so unlike
your Christ.

Well?

2006-06-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

"I'm the commander - see, I don't need to explain - I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president."
-George Bush, as quoted in Bob Woodward's "Bush at War"

Maximum Rage

2006-06-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

The members of congress who just voted down a raise in the Minimum Wage, while giving themselves ANOTHER huge cost of living raise are a special kind of stupid.
According to Holly Sklar, author of the book "A Just Minimum Wage..." congress refused to block their own payraises. Poor things - they only make about $160,000 a year! Not to mention the perks, health benefits, etc.
They have silverspoons in their asses, and the destitute schlep trying to get by on $6.00 an hour isn't worthy of help?
I hope that every legislator, republican AND democrat, who NAY'ed this bill has some bad fucking nightmares when they try to sleep.
More and more "working wounded" are asking for foodstamps, medicare and living in the style the government thinks they should become accustomed.... POVERTY.
Would it have hurt to give just a little so that families can eat? So that they can pay their bills?
Well, we all understand, don't we?
We would not want to deprive anyone of their fourth ferrari.
Readers - if this pisses you off as much as it does me - join me!
Log into www.letjusticeroll.com and do something about this NOW.

They May Be Too Young To Fall In Love...

2006-06-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

This is wrong on so many levels...
A child who cannot vote, drive, or get into a fucking rated R movie can now get married in Colorado.
Worse than thinking it's a good idea, people there honestly believe a 15 year old can make that kind of life choice?
Here's your sign, Guys - and it has a big "IDIOTS LIVE HERE" written across it!
What the hell, Colorado - you think horny perverts (sorry, I meant to say CHILD MOLESTERS) should be able to marry and carry on sexual relations with a kid??
This from the same state that believes same sex marriage is evil?!?!
Give me a fucking break you freaks.
Please tell me this is a joke, or I might be forced to think believe all Denver people are "Rocky Mountain High".

Bitches Brew

2006-06-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

One of my readers, a self-proclaimed recovering Atheist, recently suggested I give Christianity a chance. After a day of sacrificing small children, taking part in pagan worship rituals, and getting my newest tattoo (a 666 on my forehead)
Well - that made me laugh.
(Before you get all midieval on my ass - I was kidding about the above paragraph, gentle readers.... I got the tattoo on my ass.)
Anyway, how would that work? Would I be LoudMouthMother? The Sister Who Can't Shut up?
LoudMouthBishop? The Deacon of Disquiet?
Hey, Don't get me wrong. I love most christians. Hell, if it weren't for them and George Bush - what would I write?
Honestly, I appreciate the offer, but I'd rather remove my own spleen with a dull, rusty butter knife, 'cause to me it's a clique group that keeps out more people than it includes and that is just not cool with me. It tries to tell you that being human (no matter how bitchy you are) is not good enough. I don't buy that we're so corrupt beyond redemption from the moment we are born, and so unable to handle our lives, that they had to create some mad patriarchal god up there just waiting to spank your monkey if you get out of hand and do something hella crazy like eat meat on the wrong day.
I'll pass - but thanks for the invite

Bitch, The Church of Conservatism

2006-06-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, it takes work to make Jessica Simpson look like a Mensa member, but leave it up to fuckin' airhead Ann Coulter to do just that.
In her book, "Godless, The Church Of Liberalism" {Catchy title... Yawn} She accuses 9/11 widows of ".. enjoying their husband's deaths so much."
The blond haired bimbo goes on to say that those women who lost their husbands think that
"... the terrorist attacks happened only to them."
Yo, Bitcherella, you just missed your broom.
Can you say "Compassionate Conservative"?
Like Camille Paglia - another nut case who figures that women get turned on over date rape, has never been attacked - Coulter has obviously never had anyone close to her destroyed through mindless violence.
That, my friends, is why I am nominating her for the "Shut The Fuck Up Award."
Now, take your statue and crawl back under a rock, you useless piece of silicone.

You Can't Handle The Truth....

2006-06-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

Pakistan is the lastest to ban the blockbuster "The DaVinci Code".
"The Da Vinci Code is a sacrilegious act in the guise of freedom of expression and fiction," Bhatti said Saturday. "It has hurt the religious sentiments of Christians and Muslims throughout the world."
He also criticized Brown, saying the author had "evil intentions" and wanted "to undermine the historical as well as theological truth about Jesus Christ."
Got three words for you, Einstein...
IT'S FICTION, STUPID!
Just like the Bible... difficult concept to follow, but stay with me. What "DaVinci" does is open people's minds and motivate them to explore alternate possibilities of faith. What it does not do is tell people how or what to think. Like all fictional accounts, loosely based in fact, there is evidence both supporting and disproving both stories. (DaVinci and the Bible...stay with me!)
Somewhere in the middle, lies "The Truth".
The bible tells me, like a mindless drone, what my truths should be. The Old Testament is subject to a thousand interpretations and adaptations... but those who loved the 2-hour Jesus snuff film that was "The Passion Of The Christ" might buy the dogma.... I ain't bitin'.
Personally, DaVinci has put me on a journey to know more, to look at Jesus Christ, the man, and Mary Magdelene, his partner, and to put the events of that time into perspective. * Yea, you got me, I do my own research - I don't allow contemporary authors to do my thinking. So, Crucify me.
People of ALL faiths have an obligation to constantly question that faith - to test it. If that faith is hollow, shallow or forced - it will crumble.
What would DaVinci Do?

Brown Sugah...

2006-06-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

You won't see this on ABC...
What the hell? One blow job and Clinton's presidency was in jeopardy.
But Fucking up a nation, trashing The Constitution and committing treason are not reasons enough to get your ass thrown out of the Whitehouse?
Now, there is talk that even Laura Bush herself has had enough. Staffers at the Mayflower Hotel in DC say she moved out of the Whitehouse after confronting W about his affair with none other than Condoleeza Rice.
We've all seen the thisclose photos of the two of them together. Who can forget when she called Bush her "husband" Ooops... I mean Mr. Pwesident.
Is this really that hard to believe? Tomorrow is 6-6-06 and this just may be the seventh sign of the apocolypse...
Tune in tomorrow.

Yep, This Is Where The Dollar's Headed.....

2006-05-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

How much is America worth to you?

Thanks to "Pull My Finger for this graphic! Wanna see more? Click here http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=19437755

Ballsylicious!

2006-05-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been living ina cave for the past week - PATRIOT
Stephen Colbert gave a kick ass speech at the Whitehouse Correspondents
Dinner - Much to W's Horror, Colbert (That's french, BITCH) roasted the
president like so much Cheney-shot Pheasant!

How do you walk with such big balls, Stephen? You are a true American!

Here is the complete transcript from the "Truthiness" master himself.

COLBERT: Wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents' Dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias. So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.
As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing.Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along "Joe Wilson's wife. "Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else.

Say's It All....

2006-04-16T13:54:00.000-07:00

It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got

2006-04-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

"Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."

- Ben Franklin

"Bin-Lyin"

2006-04-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

Free ride's over "W"
Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld: the asses of evil.
Getting rid of a couple of whitehouse lackeys

hardly constitutes a shake-up;
And, Condosleeza for president in 08??
Not on your fuckin' life. We know better. You can't fool us anymore

BushBack Mountain

2006-03-08T18:01:00.000-08:00

Not only does George Bush not know an Arab from an Adverb, he is the Chief Executive of Fantasyland who is deservedly going to be the recipient of a ticket to Impeachmentville.
Sell off our land to pay for government programs? SURE!
Allow foreign control of major US ports? SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!
Don't forget, possession is nine-tenths of the law. Will we really remain in charge of these ports? What happens when Dubai get control and says, "we don't have to listen to you"? Heads Up, Einsteins - The UAE has a history of ignoring us when we get annoying and ask them to please not allow nuclear technology through it's ports - BUT TRUST THEM!
Sorry... even Republicans are having a hard time swallowing that one.
Run up the national debt higher than Courtney Love - MONEY'S NO OBJECT!
Seriously, I don't trust a man who has a kindergartner listed as a terrorist threat, and I surely don't respect a man who never takes responsibility for his actions and lies to the very people he swore to protect.
You can't call me unpatriotic - I would give my life for my country.
What you can call me is fed up.

Chaney's Got a Gun....

2006-02-13T19:20:00.000-08:00

Ooooh Kayy - Just what we've come to expect from years of the Bush Administration.
Aiming at a "covey of Pheasants" Dick Chaney shoots his hunting partner.
Happens all the time, right?
"He's in good spirits, he's happy.."
He's in fucking intensive care - you don't get admitted into intensive care if you are doing the happy dance.
Why did they take so long to report it?
Well, color me stupid...Maybe our Veep'd had too much to drink?
Friends don't let friends shoot them in the face.

I Don't Want Your Sex....

2006-01-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is living proof that some gene pools are in dire need of chlorine, but I suppose this is one way to win elections:
"Burlesque"oni made a dramatic public vow of celibacy until the April 9th elections in his country.
The face lifted, hair transplanted, aging Valentino-wannabe surely will not let this change in lifestyle interfere with his habitual routine of making racist or sexist jokes about other European leaders.
Lastly, his huge support base of wasted playboys and corrupt politicians should be assured that his new vow of abstinence will not apply to the fucking over of his own people. It'll be business as usual for Berlusconi.
Sorry, Silvio - I hate to burst your little blue pill -
But your people are JUST not that into you.

The Bitch Is Back!

2006-01-28T08:28:00.000-08:00

Yea, I know. It's been WAY too quiet lately.
That's about to change.
Tonight, or tomorrow...
The BITCH is back.
So chill out, shut the fuck up, and get ready to be assaulted.
;-P
Peace

Who Deserves To Live, Anyway?

2006-01-16T09:56:00.000-08:00

A man in San Francisco is awaiting lethal injection on Tuesday... the day after his 76th birthday, making him one of the oldest individuals to be executed in the US.
This man is legally blind and pretty much deaf, as well. He is unable to walk. He suffered a heart attack this year and was resusitated by prison personnel.
Now before the spector of a little old man being wheeled to his death gets you all misty, take this into consideration:
25 years ago, while behind bars for another offense, he orchestrated the death of a 17-year-old.

I guess I am lamenting not on the fact of his guilt or innocence, or even "should we or should we not have the death penalty"...
I question the wisdom of saving this man from a natural death (heart attack) just so we can kill him.
Dead's dead - right?
No - I guess it's the "Public Killing" that's the most important. His victim didn't get 76 years of life - nor did she get a peaceful, natural death. Why should he? Yet, do we torture this human who is obviously no longer a threat to himself or anyone else?
Is it all about vengeance and retribution?

You Can't Eat Just One...

2006-01-15T12:38:00.000-08:00

NEXT THEY'LL BE DRINKING WINE!

(This is from 'This is True")

The latest snack fad in Quebec, Canada: bags of communion wafers. "My son can eat a whole bag while he's watching TV," said one man. "He's had more of them outside of church than he ever did inside one." Not everyone likes the trend, of course. "They're not distinguishing between the body of Christ and something you nibble on at home," complained a former Catholic missionary. "We don't respect anything. Nothing is sacred." But sales are still growing. "They melt in your mouth, and they're not fattening," said one woman. "I'm Catholic. This reminds us of mass." (Toronto Globe and Mail) ...For a more vivid reminder of mass, you could go to mass.

Uberviolent USA? Blame Canada Anyway!

2005-12-28T15:28:00.000-08:00

Blame Canada!
Wait - no, Canada is blaming us.
More pervasive than Avian Bird Flu
More toxic than Three Mile Island
More ridiculous than Bush's Social Security Plan is Canada's Prime Minister and Mayor railing about how ineffective US laws are allowing a flood of guns to pour into Canada at an alarming rate.

"... the U.S. is allowing guns to flood across the border that are literally
being used to kill people in the streets of Toronto," Toronto Mayor
David Miller said.

Hmmm - wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you have a smuggling problem, does it? Or maybe gun violence stems from the bigger problem, and that is poverty, especially in Toronto. Poverty+Gangs=Violence.

Funny, politicians HATE to hear that.

Most individuals with half a brain see the issue for that it is.
John Thompson, a security analyst with the Toronto-based Mackenzie Institute, says the number of guns smuggled from the United States is a problem, but that Canada has a gang problem -- not a gun problem -- and that Canada should stop pointing the finger at the United States.

"It's a cop out. It's an easy way of looking at one symptom rather than
addressing a whole disease," Thompson said.

Santarchy

2005-12-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

THIS IS TRUE~

A gang of men dressed up as Santa Claus went on a rampage in Auckland, New
Zealand, police say. The 40-50 St. Nicks were celebrating "Santarchy" and roamed
the streets, where they allegedly threw beer bottles at cars and people,
vandalized Christmas trees, shoplifted from stores, and were generally naughty,
not nice. Their point? Contrary to press reports it was not to protest the
commercialization of Christmas, said Auckland's Santarchy organizer, Alex Dyer.
"It's not against anyone," he insisted. "We're just dressing up as Santa and
getting drunk. We just like booze." (New Zealand Herald, NZPA) ...It's nice to
know their motives are pure.

Sex, Lies and Video Tape...

2005-12-18T16:40:00.000-08:00

For those of you who slept through Constitutional History:
U.S. Constitution: Fourth Amendment
Fourth Amendment - Search and Seizure
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and
effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and
no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or
affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the
persons or things to be seized.
Spying on your own people. Lying to them. You're the president, not the king. Condi was out doing her duty this morning, lying, er.. I mean explaining to the American public that this is s different kind of war, which presents the president with increased authorities.
Sorry - did I wake up in Cuba?
BUSHISM # 1,395,485 "[I]t's a myth to think I don't know what's going on. It's a myth to think that I'm not aware that there's opinions that don't agree with mine, because I'm fully aware of that." ~ George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Pa., Dec. 12, 2005

Black History Month

2005-12-15T21:35:00.000-08:00

Morgan Freeman, a class act - made some excellent points when he criticized "Black History Month".
"You're going to relegate my history to a month?" the 68-year-old actor says in an interview on CBS' "60 Minutes" to air Sunday. "I don't want a black history month. Black history is American history."
Hell yea, Morgan. If more people thought this way, there would be a lot less derision in the populace.
Freeman notes there is no "white history month," and says the only way to get rid of racism is to "stop talking about it."
Are you REALLY ready to really stop racism, boys and girls?
"I am going to stop calling you a white.., and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a black..," Freeman says.
You are in my fuckin cool book, Morgan.
Could not have said it better.
Now, let's get over ourselves and get over not just racism, but racialism as well.
Peace - people.

All fangs... No brains

2005-12-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

Religious rightists, some led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell himself, have pulled together an arsonal of legal minds to take back christmas!
And just who are the godless, souless bastards responsible for killing the holiday in the first place? The Liberals, of course.
(I love how they consider us omnipotent... able to change the entire world in a single blog.)
So, Virginia, think twice before you say "happy holidays" rather than "Merry CHRISTmas."
You might find a subpoena in your stocking. (Grinch, lump of coal and all that.)
Before you start jingling my bells and calling me all sorts of non christian names, ponder this.
Aren't these the same people who refuse to let us utter the word Halloween - diluting it down to Harvest Day?
Censorship Sucks, doesn't it boys and girls?

Sleep Rape?

2005-12-03T22:41:00.000-08:00

Sexomnia... I will admit. This one has even ME a little confused.
A woman wakes up to find a man having sex with her. Like most of us, she kicked his fuckin ass off the couch - allegedly he only awoke when he hit the floor. In fact, he says he was unaware that anything had taken place until he went to the bathroom and found he was STILL wearing his condom.
Hmmmm.
(Yes, they were both at a party and had been drinking.)
My point, and, god damn it, I have one, is this.
He was acquitted using the defense that he was asleep when the rape happened.
Well. Fuck me while I'm running. He had non consensual sex with a woman. He may have some freak sleeping disorder... but does that excuse him? Should he not be accountable for his behavior on SOME level?
Sound off, bitches. I wanna hear what you have to say!

America? Fuck Yea!

2005-12-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

By now, you've all heard about the American Girl Doll Controversy.
These dolls are being attacked by Pro Life groups - Makes sense, they cannot stand up against those who have a brain and can fight back, so they attack inanimate objects.
The company that produces these dolls, which represent different periods in American history, each year choose a different charity to assist.
I know - fuckin' evil of them.
Anyway, the freaks and geeks who believe that no fetus or sperm should go unprotected took umbrage at the fact that the AG's decided to help "Girls, Inc." An organization that they see as filled with baby killing sluts out to ruin the world.
Now, all this company has ever done is try to help young girls feel empowered, teach them reading, math, science, leadership, economic literacy and -gasp- how to be responsible for their bodies and sexuality.
What, do the 'Lifers have video tapes of these dolls playing golf with Satan? Is the idea that girls can be strong, self reliant and educated about contraceptives too hideous to comprehend?
Give me a fuckin break.
"To have them tied with an outfit that supports abortion is so disappointing," says Ann Scheidler, the group's executive director. "We're asking people not to buy anything else from American Girl."
Morons like you, Scheidler, loathe the idea of abortion, but will do anything in your power to keep these girls dumb and pregnant. It's ok that they can die of AIDS, just don't let them know there is such a thing as CONDOMS!!
What, you afraid girls might get wise to your bullshit?
Too Late.
I'm gonna go out and I am gonna buy as many of these dolls as I can - and I am gonna support Girls, Inc. and what they stand for.
http://www.girlsinc.org/ic/index.php is the site. Check it out, decide for yourself.
Seems kinda funny, though. The company's affiliation with Girl's Inc ends at the end of December - it only took these fuckwits 11 months to figure it out.
Typical.

Big Box Mart

2005-11-25T10:26:00.000-08:00

For those of you die-hard capitalists who feel compelled to rise at 3 a.m. for that remote chance you might get to buy the last Polly Prostitue doll in the store, I have only three words of hope and compassion for you:
Get A Life.
While you're out there freezing your Wal Marts off, I'll be cuddled up under my big fluffy comforter, with visions of Bush's impeachment dancing in my head.
Happy Holidays

getting spanked by God

2005-11-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

The head of Religious Freaks and Idiots forgot to take his medicine again!
According to Pat Robertson, all the intelligent people of Dover, PA, who rejected "Intelligent Design," are on God's bitch list.
He all but screamed for a plague of locusts to decend upon this quiet town.
Robertson, with a straight face, told these people not to turn to god for help once doomsday hits, 'cause they done VOTED GOD OUT OF PA.
Yea, a posterchild for INTELLIGENT DESIGN. Come on, they don't come more fuckin' stupid than Robertson.
Does his hoof in mouth disease come from a lack of lithium, or is he really that brain dead?
Here ya go, Pat. Here's a nice big cross for ya. Next time you feel like publicly humiliating yourself and our country, just climb right on up there and nail yourself to it.